Hey. Its me, about to enter the end of 2017, and it seems like I’m (or was?) in love. 

I don’t know exactly where it started coming from, but as days go by, the feelings seem to be getting stronger even though at many moments, I refuse to feel it. 

I don’t even know where to start this story. I just feel like, recently since I’ve known him, I become a bit more mature and patient than before. And, stable too. He is much more different than the type of guy that I’m used to be attracted to. He is child-like, emotionally immature and insecure, laughing a lot, concerned about his public image, not having any enthusiast in sport or other manly hobbies, and a bit too caught up in his comfort zone. I even thought that I would never get attracted to him when I first saw him. He was just too dandy and less manly for my liking. But then, reality slaps me right on my face. After days and weeks having both shallow and deep conversations with lame jokes that we both enjoy, I find him a bit endearing. I start to understand the background he has and experiences, and how much it affects him and his insecurity on many aspects. He talks a lot, but I rarely get too know him deeply if I don’t start opening up first. 

If this were the last day of 2017, I would say that he is the one that influences and transforms me most this year. He comes unexpectedly, without any plan, and the changes he brings hit me like a storm. I chase my desire to travel again after he told me his story in some new places he visited, and I successfully went on trips to Jogja, Solo, Gili Labak, Bawean, and even Singapore only in a year with my own money. I start to care about politic and local government again, after I witnessed him very passionate at helping a candidate to win in the last election. I learn to set my expectations towards everyone very low and have limitless stock of compassion, after seeing him very emotionally unstable at some moments even though he’s got potential. I learn to express love without knowing if the efforts will give any benefit to me, or if he ever will reciprocate what I’m feeling right now. All I want is just him, happy and content with his life. 

I don’t know when will he ever reach to my understanding about relationship and how a man and a woman should act to stay in a relationship happily through thick and thin. We have too much differences and yet, too many similarities to count. By caring for him, I learn to be more mature and stable in handling a person’s turmoil, fear, and insecurity towards a relationship that is reflected in his behaviour. Nothing is more rewarding to me than realizing that I, whom I thought was once very emotional and unstable, can be someone’s rock that helps him steady during a storm. There are so many sides of me that I discover through the moments I interact with him. My sides that are motherly, wise, patient, mature, nurturing, thoughtful, calm, intelligent, and strong at the same time. I don’t even have to worry to act less intelligently since we discuss many issues that we both are concerned about, and he loves ambitious person. Interacting with him somehow makes me radiate positive vibe, and I love it. I love how I can become a woman that I respect by interacting and caring for him.

I hope he’s always well, wherever he is and whatever he does. I wish he has more courage to take risks and give more efforts without worrying too much about the result. I pray that he’ll soon grow to be a more steady and mature man, who handles both rational and emotional problems more wisely. I hope that he can become the best person that he can be, for I believe that he has the capacity to influence many people’s lives in a positive way. I wish that he finds God throughout his journey, and enjoys the interaction with Him in his daily life.

And most importantly, I wish him everlasting love.

P.S.: I guess it's true that for some people, writing can only be done wholeheartedly when one is in love or brokenhearted. 

2014 to 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014, 10:53 PM, 0 comments

 Three things that amazingly twist my mind during 2014

#1. Up in the Air (dir. Jason Reitman)
 - everybody needs a co-pilot
"..but by the time someone is right for you, it won't feel like settling. And the only person left to judge you will be the 23-year-old girl with a target on your back."

#2. Quiet by Susan Cain
"And what I'm saying is that culturally we need a much better balance. We need more of a yin and yang between these two types. This is especially important when it comes to creativity and to productivity, because when psychologists look at the lives of the most creative people, what they find are people who are very good at exchanging ideas and advancing ideas, but who also have a serious streak of introversion in them."

#3. How I Met Your Mother (Final Eps.)
Ted: “And that’s how it goes, kids. The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime you love so much when you’re young, as the years go by, you just lose touch. You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That’s why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.”

Ted: “Kids, I won’t lie, that was a long weekend. More ups and downs that I can count. It was a twisting, turning road that led to the end of the aisle and not everything along the way was perfect. To be honest, not everything to follow would be perfect either. But what is? Here’s the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we’ve got. Because love is the best thing we do.”

And the last, some sentences to sum up what I've experienced during this year :)

Some moments are just too intense to be felt and dealt with, so what we can do is just letting them pass by without trying to avoid them or run away. And the more sensitive your senses are, bear with the consequences; the wound is cutting deeper and the pain is way, much more hurtful. But if you can learn from those scars, every experience you’ll later get will taste sweeter for you. And nothing is better than getting your wounds healed by your own hands.
9:08 PM, 0 comments

I'm not a huge fan of anything related to 'based on data...' or scientific research or any kind of it. But what I found here is a pretty cute and effective approach about a connection between two personalities based on MBTI indicator for people who aren't really keen on statistic data like me. Read it as if it's a modern fairy tale and you'll get what I find fascinating from this one :3

"One of the unfortunate things that will happen to the mutating Idealists is that they will be hunted down by INTJs who want to extract their powers.  How will the INTJs do this?  They will do it by extracting the poor NF's very soul using their patent-pending Soul Extractor.  Getting your soul sucked out will put a large bump in the road to self-actualization, so you should try to avoid this.

Unfortunately, sometimes getting captured by a mad scientist is one of those things that you just can't help.  One second you're clambering over blocks of rubble, singing a cheerful song, the next thing an anti-grav car swoops down and there's a tranquilizer dart sticking out of your neck.  When you wake up, you're strapped to a lab table, there's a psych inhibitor collar locked around your throat, and your soul is being extracted.

A common misconception about soul extraction is that it takes only a few minutes.  In fact, it takes several weeks, because souls are actually quite large and process of rewriting them onto a mechanobrain is time consuming with current bit transfer rates.  All of which means that you will have plenty of time to convince the INTJ (your future spouse) to leave their life of evil so they might be joined together in an eternal, deep, tender relationship of truest, purest love with you.

Your first meeting will go something like this:

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

The INTJ turns to you and declares confidently, "Love at first sight is simply a pheromonal response.  The people involved smell a scent-marked difference between each other's DNA--the major histocompatibility complex, which is a part of the coding for the immune system--and are driven to mate with the goal of producing offspring having the most diverse immune response possible."

You grin at him.  "You have a lovely major histocompatibility complex."

He freezes up like a deer in the headlights, then whirls around begins pushing buttons on his computer.  (Pushing buttons on computers is courtship behavior for INTJs.)

It won't be long before you weaken his resolve.

He will begin to ask guilty little questions like, "Are the straps comfortable?"  "Getting your soul sucked out doesn't hurt too badly, does it?"  "Is the concrete slab in your cell soft enough?"

At last he will crack.  Gloomily he will show you to the door of his secret fortress and say, "You can leave."

This is your cue to throw your arms around him squeeze him like a stress ball.  "You're so cute!  Let's go on a date!"

Once he gets over his state of frozen shock, he will immediately agree.

At first you will mortify every single one of his INTJ sensibilities by making physical contact with him, expressing your emotions (aloud), inviting your friends over to his secret fortress for a pool party in the old alligator pit, and otherwise acting like a normal human being.  But after awhile he will grow accustomed to it, and even start opening up.

"It was kind of lonely around here before you came," he will admit one day.

"Awwww," you say, rubbing his shoulder.  "I'm really glad you kidnapped me and tried to suck out my soul.  I've never met anyone like you before."

With a shy smile, he will put an arm around you.  From his point of view you are now married."

And this one is the approach I like best: real-life testimony :3

"I love my INTJ for being my anchor to ground me to the world. He is independent, intelligent, self-motivated, confident and affectionate. He makes me feel incredibly loved for who I am right now. Granted he’s not the biggest talker in the world but I probably make up for both of us! I think he probably likes my warmth, intelligence, loyalty, strength and ability to see fun in all manner of weird life situations. I have no wish to change him in the slightest. I am constantly learning more about myself when I am with him and I love that process of learning and growing. We share a love of intelligent witty banter, nature, current affairs, strategy games and debate. We have polar opposite careers but that means we never compare ourselves to each other and always want the other to do well. As much as I dearly love humanity I really enjoy my own space, as does he to an even greater extent, so we work quite well in that way. We have our own sense of self and our own life goals but, when together, we have our own little world. We have stood by each other through tough times over the past year when either of us could have walked away but I think we have come out stronger for it."


Though I don't really rely myself on any kind of scientific things because I trust real-life experiences more, but this discovery about people's type of personalities gets me in awe of it. In some ways, it does help me understand myself and my relationship with others more. And by far, I'm glad I've learned much with this :)

H+3: Deleted Scenes
8:37 PM, 1 comments
There are too much to say, to write, to pour down. Often times I don’t really care about what labels we should put on us as long as we enjoy each other’s interaction and keep learning from it. Because I’ve learned that in the end, loving isn’t about what we can gain. It’s not about what the other can do that makes us happy, but about wanting goodness and happiness for the other even though we're no longer a part of it. But that’s where true love resides, right? When we know that we may not be the other’s reason to be happy anymore or they already have the other one to make them happy or anything, but somehow we still care and pray for their happiness. As I’ve learned lately, once you love someone, that love will never decrease. It just turns into another shape that often doesn’t have to include the need to possess in that.

So just so you know, I still pray for your best, no matter where we’re going in the end :)

*to the so-called natural partner
Monday, May 26, 2014, 1:25 AM, 0 comments

It hits me sometimes that music brings back memories as strong as scent does. Some songs have specific person related to them, making us think none but that person when the song is played. Some other songs have their own moments imprinted on them that you can’t help recalling the moments, no matter how bittersweet it may feel right now. Other times you find yourself intentionally looking for a song with the exact lyric that goes with your emotion at that time. And funny that the same song can picture different past scenes in your head, sometimes even with different person too. I can listen to Broken by Lifehouse or Only One by Yellowcard and memorize a person or two at the same time. Yet at different times, I can’t listen to Rhythm of Love by Plain White T’s or Bleeding Love by Boyce Avenue without reminiscing one specific moment with the same person and it’s stuck just like that. 

It’s true also that the first memory you have with a song remains the strongest comparing to the following memories. The first one is always eventful; the one that you can remember the most from second to second and is the hardest to escape from your brain no matter how much you put other memories above it. And even though it all sounds sweet and romantic at first, in the end, we just have to let go of everything that has become dust at the corner of our mind. The past along with its pleasant memories often look too tempting to resist, but we don’t live there anymore. All the good times, the intense feelings, the temporary laughter and tears, the butterflies-in-the-stomach scenes, the guilty pleasure that later we often regret; all.have.passed.

And I’m done with the “can’t-let-go” phase now :)

Sunday, May 18, 2014, 8:25 AM, 0 comments

“Because the greatest gift you can give someone is the space to be his or herself, without the threat of you leaving.”
Kai, Lessons in Life #39


"Dear Catherine.

I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you 'cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end. 

Love, Theodore."


Cliche, I know. But this letter from "Her" is the exact epitome of what I've been wanting so long to pour in a written form to people I love who I might have disappointed so much, and have lost touch since. We might have grown apart and different but all I can say is, thank you for accompanying me throughout those phases in the past. We sticked together even though we sometimes were too hard to deal with. And I can't be more grateful for that :)

Victims from Both Sides
6:17 AM, 0 comments

What makes the thing between our thighs so appealing to be talked about? With so many news recently about sexual harassment cases that seem like spreading everywhere, media often draw too much attention on ‘who’ harasses ‘who’ without giving people enough idea about how to prevent the same case to happen again in the future. Hence, the victims are not only those who have been harassed or raped, but also the perpetrators themselves who are often misunderstood by society.

Why victims mostly go under the radar

Imagine this. If we have lost authority over our own body, what will we think we still have left? 
What makes every sexual harassment cases very dangerous is that it makes the victims think that their future has gone dark in an instant. The fear of being judged, feeling dirty and full of sin, also losing trust over men will haunt the victims for unknown period of time. They’re still busy struggling with themselves to cope with their fear and trauma at the level they don’t want to involve other people into their problem, including their closest people. Not only that, society also takes a huge part in holding the victims back from admitting what has happened to them. People are often too focused on the ‘who’ and forget that it’s a case that can happen to anyone, including them. We need to direct people’s mindset not to give any comment if it’s not to help the victims or the perpetrators. Sometimes the labels given by the society are what make the victims more depressed and the perpetrators more eager to continue their doings. By educating the society, at least the victims will feel safer to open up and thus the perpetrators can be easier to arrest.

Will decades in jail or death penalty be enough?

To blame the perpetrators merely because of their crimes is not the wisest and most effective step to take. We’re talking about sexual cases here, something that the trigger is not only to satisfy one’s desire, but also abnormal biological thing that one can’t always control. Some people were just born with higher sexual hormone than others or different sexual preference, as same as some people were born with sharp nose or dark hair. It’s just something that we can’t choose and unfortunately, those who are labeled ‘different’ from society can’t control it in the way they won’t disturb others. Whether it’s because some kind of mental disorders or just uncontrolled desire, those who are called ‘sexual predators’ tend to aim those who seem ‘weaker’ than they are. By saying ‘weak’ it can come from various perspectives. It includes women, children, prisoners, or in extreme cases, even dead people. It somehow proves that the perpetrators posses some kind of inferior feeling towards themselves that they need to do things that make them feel superior; in this case by sexually harassing the weak ones. That's not the only reason, but there are also trauma from being sexually harassed before, and other personal things that only the perpetrators know. So putting them in rehabilitation until they’re able to control themselves is the best we can do at first before anything related to prison and any other punishment can be discussed and determined.

It’s not merely a body; it’s a temple for one’s soul

Looking around us with so many cases of abuses and harassment, it’s enough to be a proof that most of us haven’t completely noticed the importance of our well-being besides doing its biological function. It’s sad that most children who have been sexually harassed feel bad for themselves for feeling ‘good’ by being treated that way even though it felt a bit uncomfortable at first, and thus it makes them unconscious that what has happened to them is sexual harassment. Then there comes the vicious cycle; those victims become insensitive to anything related to body and sexuality and they assume that it’s okay to treat people that way too because they have ever been treated that way. And then bit by bit they start becoming the perpetrators. To prevent things like this happen again in the future, it’s important to be aware that our body is not just a biological being. What lies within our body needs other than food and water to maintain its existence, but rather our courage to say ‘no’ whenever anyone attempts to touch our body parts without our consent. So better put more attention to what’s inside, not just what looks good for our body. Educate our mind, feel good more, and feed the soul with prayers. If what’s inside is strong enough, it will be easier to take care of the outside.

Mixtape #1: High School Lasts Longer than I Ever Thought
Monday, March 10, 2014, 6:32 AM, 0 comments

1. OneRepublic - Good Life
2. David Guetta ft. Taio Cruz - Little Bad Girl
3. The Calling - Wherever You Will Go
4. White Shoes & The Couples Company - Masa Remadja
5. HiVi! - Dear, Friend
6. Fall Out Boy ft. Foxes - Just One Yesterday
7. The Fray - How to Save A Life
8. Sleeping with Sirens - If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn (acoustic)
9. Landon Pigg - Can't Let Go
10. Jason Mraz - Details in the Fabric
11. The Fray - Look After You
12. OneRepublic - I Lived

For all the ups and downs and everything in between, I'm glad that I become who I never expect to be eventually. And in the meantime, the people who stand still beside you even in the hardest storm leave the deepest traces in your heart :)

Saturday, February 15, 2014, 6:49 AM, 0 comments

by Matchbox Twenty

Feeling my hands start shaking
Hearing your voice I'm overjoyed
I'm sorry but i have no choice
You're only getting better

Maybe you have your reasons
Maybe you're scared you'll be let down
Are you crying when there's no one around?
Then maybe

Maybe if you hold me, baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed

The smile on your face like summer
The way that your hand keeps touching mine
Let me be the one that make it right
And maybe

Maybe let me hold you, baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed

And if you want, we'll share this life
Anytime you need a friend I'm gonna be by your side
When nobody understands you
Well, I do

So maybe let me hold you, baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets God only knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed

Being the 'you' in this song even touches me a lot more than being the 'you' in any 80's love songs. Every line just depict perfectly what I can't utter in words. Personally the 2nd most romantic song after I Will by The Beatles :)

A Letter to the (Wo)Man in the Mirror
Sunday, February 9, 2014, 1:24 AM, 0 comments

How long has it been since you’ve adapted too much on people and strived too hard to make them feel comfortable around you? There is, indeed, an expiry date to let others dictate how you feel and act towards them—even if they're the ones you really care for. It’s not your obligation to keep them happy; it’s their choice, though. And even though how you express your thoughts and feelings may contradict with them, it doesn’t really matter because if they’re really sincere to be with you, they’ll accept you just the way you actually are. Just know that you’re never in complete control. You can decide who comes inside, but you can’t ever make anyone stay, no matter how hard you try to make them feel comfortable.

I’m not forcing you, but I do hope that you’ll be less numb. It’s not always good to ban your heart to feel some unpleasant emotions in order to avoid conflict and it’s better to face them instead. Sometimes it’s okay to let your guard down and admit that you’re hurt by others rather than conceal it. It might hurt at the moment, but the lesson you’ll get from your wound is worth much more than if you let things go as if nothing bad happens. 

But despite all these, I’m glad that now you’re able to choose whom you can trust and be open up to, because not everyone is that easy to accept and embrace differences. I’m also glad that you become less naïve; not because you’re more cynical towards the world or destiny but because you have learned that reality is actually sweeter than any dreams. You’ve also learned not to expect on anything or anyone and appreciated the little things more. You had been in the moment where you focused too much on the vision about what you (and your other one) could do together in the future while you both forgot to cherish the present, and at last it ruined everything. Expectations, assumptions, and judgments turn out to be the ones that destroy any relationship you build with the others the most. And glad to see that you’ve come to realize that there is no such thing as the formula of true love or “Guide to Find Your Soul Mate” because love is simply built by understanding, acceptance, and commitment to stay together even when the hardest storm strikes you both. And as the time passes by, flowery words get cheaper and what really matters is you and your other one’s effort and sincere actions to make each other happy.

Lastly, I just wish that in the next moment you’ll take more chances and responsibilities. The joy in your journey can always be found even on the steepest hill, and in the meantime you might find someone tenderly holding your hand and accompanying you until you both can see sunrise from the peak :)

The (wo)man standing in front of the mirror

The Loveliest
Saturday, February 1, 2014, 4:59 AM, 0 comments

Have you ever had that one moment when you feel that you're truly accepted without being expected to do something else or be someone else? When you can be fully open without fearing of getting any kind of judgement that make you feel less worthy? When you can finally put your defense down and let them see parts of you that are painful and unpleasant? I really do hope that you have one, because I have, and that's one of the most comforting and consoling moment I've ever had in my entire life :)

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Henri J.M. Nouwen

...If She Doesn't Know What She'll Become
Thursday, January 16, 2014, 7:28 AM, 0 comments

Bagiku, memiliki profesi bukanlah hal utama, karena profesi hanyalah embel-embel dunia untuk membedakan peran seseorang di masyarakat atau tinggi rendahnya posisi seseorang di mata orang lain.

Yang terpenting bagiku adalah ketika peranku sebagai wanita di dunia sudah terpenuhi. Menjadi muslimah shalihah, menjadi istri yang taat, dan menjadi ibu peradaban adalah peran utama yang ingin aku kejar apapun profesiku.

Maka jangan heran jika profesiku terus berubah-ubah untuk mendukung peranku itu. Bisa jadi aku menjadi karyawan yang bekerja full-time bila keadaan ekonomi rumah tangga kita membutuhkan bantuan tambahan dariku. Bisa jadi aku tiba-tiba berhenti kerja karena kau dan anak-anak ternyata membutuhkanku untuk lebih banyak di rumah. Bisa juga aku menjadi mahasiswi lagi karena kau sedang memegang amanah berat yang membutuhkanku untuk menjadi asisten pribadimu dengan kemampuan tertentu. Atau bisa saja aku menjadi ustadzah karena lingkungan di sekitar rumah kita membutuhkan seorang guru ngaji.

Karena yang membuatku tersenyum adalah ketika melihatmu terbantu oleh keberadaanku. Yang membuatku lega adalah ketika ridhomu selalu menyertaiku. Yang membuatku bahagia adalah ketika anak-anak kita tumbuh menjadi anak yang shaleh dan shalihah. Yang membuatku bangga adalah, ketika keluarga kecil kita menjadi bagian dari pilar yang turut membangun peradaban Islam di bumi Allah.

Suamiku, seperti halnya aku yang tak peduli apa profesiku, begitulah aku berfikir tentang dirimu. Kau hanya perlu menjadi dirimu sendiri dengan profesi yang kau mau.

Yang ingin ku ingin tahu hanyalah, apa cita-citamu bersama aku dan anak-anak kita, serta jalan mana yang kau pilih untuk membimbing aku dan anak-anak kita menuju Jannah Nya. Dengan begitu, aku akan mengambil porsiku untuk mendukungmu.

Karena pada akhirnya, yang kuinginkan adalah membersamai mimpimu.


Sepenggalan dari CeritaJika #20 : Jika Istrimu adalah Seorang yang Tak Tahu Mau Menjadi Apa, proyek menulis garapan Kurniawan Gunadi. Entah kenapa merasa... this is what I've always tried to poured out in writing meski nggak se-ekstrim ini juga. I still have ambitions, tho. Ada banyak hal yang masih ingin aku lakuin entah itu karena aku percaya ada hal baik yang muncul ketika aku ngelakuin itu atau semata-mata karena aku emang enjoy ngelakuinnya. Things like volunteering for international NGO whose specialization is in helping children in remote/conflict areas, working in media and creative industry, or simply watching orchestra live in Vienna. Tapi setinggi-tingginya ambisi, they're just the vehicles, not the destination. Ketika keadaan nggak memungkinkan kita untuk meraih satu atau beberapa goals tadi, there's nothing to lose if we do it for our family because basically, what makes us happy the most is the quality of our relationship with them. Udah berapa banyak dari kita yang berlelah-lelah mencari makna diri dan pengakuan di luar dengan ikut kegiatan ini-itu, mengejar target di tempat kerja atau sekolah sampai sedemikian rupa, padahal yang kita cari sebenernya cuma lingkaran terdekat yang bisa merasa bahagia hanya dengan keberadaan kita. Bukannya perempuan nggak boleh berambisi tinggi, tapi lebih fleksibel aja dalam proses meraihnya karena gimana-gimana peran paling krusial perempuan adalah segala yang terjadi di rumahnya. We, ladies, just need to be more aware that the battlefield we face to attain Heaven is simply in our houses :)

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